Adult humor [Archive] - SailboatOwners.com

mckee1952

06-02-2009, 08:50 am

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Floridaback there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

mckee1952

06-03-2009, 06:10 am

HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought my husband was behaving strangely. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
Boat motor wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out. At least I got laid.

mckee1952

06-03-2009, 06:21 am

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.
<aoladp://MA21610586-0002/image0011.jpg>
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

O k, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously....

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them.

mckee1952

06-04-2009, 05:29 am

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between
grandmothers & grandfathers? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time ... just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really
didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they
returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a
single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

mckee1952

06-04-2009, 11:52 am

Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday,May 26,2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

mckee1952

06-05-2009, 06:06 am

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks.. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (andEngland ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

mckee1952

06-08-2009, 07:39 am

The madam opened the brothel door in Duluth & saw a rather dignified,

well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would

prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared & announced to the man she charged $5,000 a

visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000 & gave it to

Valerie, & they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see

Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a

row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price

was still $5,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, & they went

upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night, the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a 3rd consecutive night, but

he paid Valerie & they went upstairs..

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been

with me 3 nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Minneapolis '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Minneapolis .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, & I am her attorney.

She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer....

mckee1952

06-08-2009, 12:28 pm

The Pope

It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small gray desk.

"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate."

"Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"

"I don't have any orders," said the Pope.

"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."

The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and it is on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.

Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?"

"A Naval Aviator," the young man replies.

The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"

The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Naval Aviator who has ever made it!"

mckee1952

06-09-2009, 06:42 am

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

mckee1952

06-09-2009, 06:55 am

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle
for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to
come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said 'OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the
block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'

mckee1952

06-09-2009, 11:54 am

Subject: FW: That's how the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a holiday gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife walked into the den & asked

"What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her

husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny

that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started......

************************************************** **********

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging

her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are

you?"

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,

took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

mckee1952

06-10-2009, 06:03 am

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one , and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from
Grandma!"

mckee1952

06-11-2009, 07:01 am

Absolutely the funniest joke ever...ON US !!!
* Let it sink in. * Quietly we go like sheep to slaughter.
Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the
establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY ..... during the Carter
Administration?
* Anybody? * Anything? * No? * Didn't think so !
Bottom line .. we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support
of an agency ... the reason for which not one person who reads this can
remember. Ready??????? It was very simple. . and at the time everybody thought it very
appropriate... The 'Department of Energy' was instituted on 8- 04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh?????

AND NOW IT'S 2009, 32 YEARS LATER ... AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS NECESSARY DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 + BILLION A YEAR
IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!
Funniest Joke Ever !
On Us.....

THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?' Ah, yes, good ole bureaucracy..
And NOW we are going to turn the Banking System, health care & the Auto
Industry over to them? God Help Us !!!

mckee1952

06-11-2009, 11:40 am

prison vs work
@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
@ PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
@ PRISON
The guard locksand unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must carry a security cardand open all the doors yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK
You aren't even supposed
to speak to your family
@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
@ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called 'managers'

mckee1952

06-11-2009, 11:50 am

Subject: How would you pronounce this child's name?

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO NO NO
Lei?? Guess Again

This child attends a school in Detroit, MI..

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

mckee1952

06-12-2009, 09:30 am

MAN OF THE HOUSE
>
>
>
> A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
> Man of Your House."
>
>
>
> He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
> will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are
> going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
>
>
> Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
> wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
>
>
>
>
> The wife replied, "The f------ funeral director would be my first guess."

mckee1952

06-12-2009, 09:40 am

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS, THIS IS ANOTHERS STORY NOT MINE
>
>
>
> Just try reading this without laughing till
> you cry!!!
>
>
> Pocket
> Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
> purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
> anniversary submitted this:
>
>
> Last
> weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
> Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
> for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
> on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety.... (??)
>
>
> WAY TOO
> COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
> however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
> of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
>
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
> Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>
>
> Okay, so
> I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
> batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
> looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
>
> reading
> the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
> thing out
> on a
> flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
> about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So,
> there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses
> perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
> two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
> fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
> be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
> this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
> 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
> 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost
> beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
>
>
> I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
> to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,'
> reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little
> ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
> myself a
> one
> second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
> naked thigh,
> pushed
> the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF
> MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
>
> I'm
> pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
> the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
> waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
> eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicals
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
> making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
> over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to
> 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
> you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
> until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the floor.. A three second burst
> would be considered conservative?
>
> A minute
> or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
> thing at that
> point),
> I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the
> landscape. My bent reading glasses were
> on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
> upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
> over the drooling.
>
>
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was
> too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I
> saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
> from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicals and
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
>
>
> P.S. - My wife, can't stop
> laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now
> regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If
> you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

mckee1952

06-12-2009, 09:45 am

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

mckee1952

06-12-2009, 10:08 am

Subject: 5 year old's first job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those
a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

mckee1952

06-23-2009, 03:31 am

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

mckee1952

06-23-2009, 08:55 am

Summary of Life?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:?

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..?
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.?
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.?
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair...
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.?
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.?
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap..?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0002/ATT2.jpg>
<aoladp://MA21778502-0003/ATT3.gif>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:?

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt..
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts?
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...?
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.?

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD?

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..?
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.?
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.?
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.?
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.?

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:?

1) You believe in Santa Claus.?
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0004/ATT4.gif>
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.?
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.?
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.?
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.?

mckee1952

06-23-2009, 09:09 am

DID YOU KNOW?

<aoladp://MA21780572-0001/image0011111.jpg> Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to

pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0002/image0022222.jpg> Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.

If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0003/image0033333.jpg>

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.

It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!

<aoladp://MA21780572-0004/image0044444.jpg> Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.

Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef.

It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.

To really make scrambled eggs or omelettes rich add a couple of

spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0005/image0055555.jpg> For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt chocolate mint patties

in double broiler and pour over warm brownies.. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0006/image0066666.jpg> Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste

of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0007/image0077777.gif> Reheat Pizza

Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm.

This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

Easy Deviled Eggs <aoladp://MA21780572-0008/image0088888.gif>

Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

Reheating refrigerated bread <aoladp://MA21780572-0009/image0099999.gif>

To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water.

The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0010/image01010101010.jpg> Newspaper weeds away

Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass <aoladp://MA21780572-0011/image01111111111.jpg>

Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0012/image01212121212.gif> Flexible vacuum

To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling

Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and.. ta da!... static is gone.

<aoladp://MA21780572-0013/image01313131313.gif> Measuring Cups

Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup.

Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield? <aoladp://MA21780572-0014/image01414141414.jpg>

Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car.

When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

<aoladp://MA21780572-0015/image01515151515.gif> Reopening envelope

If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.

Conditioner <aoladp://MA21780572-0016/image01616161616.jpg>

Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth.

It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

Get Rid of Ants <aoladp://MA21780572-0017/image01717171717.gif>

Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can'tdigest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

<aoladp://MA21780572-0018/image01818181818.gif> INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS

The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something else; he took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like.. Well ...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit.You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box .well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!

How about that!!

mckee1952

06-24-2009, 12:55 pm

The value of a Catholic education and a # 2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued
teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our
Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once
again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and
Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did
Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie
jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in
me one more time , I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted.

mckee1952

06-26-2009, 08:55 am

Subject: So goes the bull

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first

exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign

attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
<cid:1.568449734@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled

and said,

'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign

attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

<cid:2.568449735@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .

You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign

attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

<cid:3.568449735@web31304.mail.mud.yahoo.com>

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly

broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day.

You could REALLY learn something

from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him

if it was with the same

old cow.'

mckee1952

06-26-2009, 09:06 am

Dear Tide:
<cid:X.MA1.1245758000@aol.com>
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life , as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

mckee1952

06-30-2009, 08:50 am

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.... His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

mckee1952

06-30-2009, 09:08 am

The Parrot

<cid:part1.03010900.09010909@suddenlink.net>
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes
it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
<cid:part2.07030708.01020102@suddenlink.net>
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
<cid:part3.02080907.03020700@suddenlink.net>
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned
from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended,
but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

<cid:part4.04070009.09080708@suddenlink.net>
'Hi Keith'

mckee1952

07-01-2009, 03:34 am

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered are Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

mckee1952

07-01-2009, 05:43 am

Subject: A REDNECK LOVE STORY
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it

mckee1952

07-01-2009, 08:24 am

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway

-but the Hershey Man will know! YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

chocolate Calculator.

caguy

07-01-2009, 09:48 am

What does a person with severe Obsessive Compuslive Disorder call himself?

CDO, that OCD in alphabetical order. ;)

mckee1952

07-01-2009, 12:56 pm

Those fabulous Jewish comedians. So funny...before we became "politically correct."

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie
Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* People think we're love birds because we hold hands alot. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and
cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. She called it the Dead Sea.

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours; and that was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six
months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my
arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's
what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay,
let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed
that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible.. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is
it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher
you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in
three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
__________________

mckee1952

07-02-2009, 09:44 am

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, how are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the G ates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia .

mckee1952

07-06-2009, 03:39 am

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde ..

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened... I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite
mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other..
I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,
"How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

mckee1952

07-08-2009, 12:38 pm

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

mckee1952

07-08-2009, 12:45 pm

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
> calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were
> shocked
> to see Dave. He was already sitting on the
> dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
> His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go
> Dave?"
> Dave replied.
> Last night I came home and slumped down in my
> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go
> fishing.
> Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
> 'Surprise'.
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
>
> SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

mckee1952

07-10-2009, 12:37 pm

[cid:1397D7A6FCCB4E10AF3F4D0E95069488@PennellS]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

mckee1952

07-13-2009, 06:08 am

What a Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman,
and
ordered glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, How about that! I just
ordered a
glass of champagne, too!

What a coincidence, the farmer said. This is a special day
for me.
I'm celebrating.

This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,
said the woman.

What a coincidence! said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses, he asked, What are you celebrating?

My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!

What a coincidence! said the man. I'm a chicken farmer, and
for
years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all
laying
fertilized eggs.

That's great! said the woman. How did your chickens become
fertile?

I used a different rooster, he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, What a
coincidence!

mckee1952

07-14-2009, 03:40 am

A sailor appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the sailor offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The sailor replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

mckee1952

07-16-2009, 03:50 am

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.

They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

mckee1952

07-20-2009, 09:48 am

Redneck Guide to Medical Terms.

BENIGN--------What you be after you be eight
ARTERY--------The study of paintings
BACTERIA--------Back door to the cafeteria
BARIUM--------What doctors do when patients die
CESAREAN SECTION--A neighborhood in Rome
CAT-SCAN-------- Searching for kitty
CAUTERIZE--------Made eye contact with her
COLIC--------A sheep dog
COMA--------Punctuation mark
D&C--------Where Washington is
DILATE--------To live long
ENEMA--------Not a friend
FESTER--------Quicker than someone else
FIBULA--------A small lie
GENITAL--------Non-Jewish person
G. I. SERIES--------World Series of military baseball
HANGNAIL----------What you hang your coat on
IMPOTENT--------Distinguished or well-known
LABOR PAIN--------Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF--------Doctors' cane
MORBID--------A higher offer than I bid
NITRATES--------Cheaper than day rates
NODE--------I knew it
OUTPATIENT--------A person who has fainted
PAP SMEAR--------A fatherhood test
PELVIS--------Second cousin to Elvis
POST OPERATIVE--------A letter carrier
RECOVERY ROOM--------Place to do upholstery
RECTUM---------Damn near killed him
SECRETION--------Hiding something
SEIZURE----------Roman emperor
TABLET--------A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS--------Getting sick at the airport
TUMOR--------More than one
URINE--------Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE----------Near or close by

mckee1952

07-21-2009, 08:24 am

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

[cid:X.MA401233421878@aol.com]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

[cid:X.MA411233421878@aol.com]
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

[cid:X.MA421233421878@aol.com]
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

[cid:X.MA431233421878@aol.com]
4. A dog's parents never visit. Ever......

[cid:X.MA441233421878@aol.com]
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

[cid:X.MA451233421878@aol.com]
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

[cid:X.MA461233421878@aol.com]
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

[cid:X.MA471233421878@aol.com]
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

[cid:X.MA48.1233421878@aol.com]
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

[cid:X.MA49.1233421878@aol.com]
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

[cid:X.MA50.1233421878@aol.com]
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

[cid:X.MA51.1233421878@aol.com]
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

[cid:X.MA52.1233421878@aol.com]
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
....14. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

And last,
but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

mckee1952

07-22-2009, 08:24 am

Subject: : Southern Women

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to
town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the
middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the
term, but they know the concept well..

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also
know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference
between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're
in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related
even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you
know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.
Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her
heart" ...
and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning.
Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this
Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have
classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads
"I ain't
from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
wish
they had been! If you're a Northern transplant,bless your little
heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.

mckee1952

07-23-2009, 07:50 am

Washington, DC -- July 21, 2009

Subj: Outsourcing, Pros & Cons -- you decide

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of Americawill be outsourced toIndiaas of September 1, 2009.
The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the
President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost
savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot
remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash
outlay," Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices,Mumbai, India
will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh
was born in theUnited Stateswhile his Indian parents were vacationing
atNiagara Falls,NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He
will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or
other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between theUSandIndia, he will be working primarily at night.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer
call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.
"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this
should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues
either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.
"Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some
people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his
final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower,
Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job
transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in
securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience
during his lifetime.

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive
experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile

mckee1952

07-23-2009, 08:14 am

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! <cid:658265DCCF8145A8BDA15CC1AA1808CF@Paul>
Have a lovely day

<cid:434F3C9EA3FA437F80C34E6A0C78B323@Paul>

HEEE HEEE!!!!!

mckee1952

07-24-2009, 03:33 am

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

greenminnow

07-24-2009, 02:29 pm

Wow, Now if they only would have done this 8 1/2 years ago we would really be sitting pretty! POST #65

mckee1952

07-27-2009, 11:06 am

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well;
only two left."

Don?t mess with seniors

mckee1952

07-28-2009, 08:50 am

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3.? OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known? as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4.? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5.? There are three religious truths:
????? a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
????? b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the?Christian?faith.
????? c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or?Hooters
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6.?? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7.? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8.?? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they? just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. ? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it? follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,?models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners? depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*
12.? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. ? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. ? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of? bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. ? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. ? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*?

18.? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. ? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. ? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't?zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. ? If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words?'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
??????????????? 'THEIRS'?

mckee1952

07-28-2009, 09:10 am

9 Months Later ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob . So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'Well she just died and left me everything.'

mckee1952

07-30-2009, 06:50 am

A Kind Grand Father

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and
his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be
okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Steve."

mckee1952

08-03-2009, 08:30 am

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I've some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

mckee1952

08-03-2009, 09:15 am

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

mckee1952

08-05-2009, 08:11 am

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter's desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks there for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks.. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Washington told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Barack Obama 's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

mckee1952

08-06-2009, 06:22 am

Subject: Hold The Chickens

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have
> his truck fixed.
> They couldn't do it while he waited, so he
> said he didn't live
> far and would just walk home.. On the way he stopped
> at the hardware
> store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He
> then stopped
> by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a
> goose.
> However, struggling outside the store he now had a
> problem - how
> to carry his entire purchases home.
>
>
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by
> a little old
> lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
> "Can you tell
> me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane
> ?"
>
>
> The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
> farm is very
> close to that house. I would walk you there,
> but I can't carry
> this lot."
>
>
> The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put
> the can of paint
> in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand,
> put a chicken
> under each arm and carry the goose in your other
> hand?"
>
>
> "Why, thank you very much, he said, and
> proceeded to walk the
> old girl home. On the way he says,
> "Let's take a short
> cut and go down this alley. We'll be there
> in no time."
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said,
> "I am a
> lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
>
> How do I know that when we get in the alley you
> won't hold me up
> against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way
> with me?"
>
> The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm
> carrying a bucket, a
> gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How
> in the world
> could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
> that?"
>
> The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover
> him with the
> bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and
> I'll hold the chickens...."

joe22

08-06-2009, 11:01 pm

isnt that a twix commercial?

mckee1952

08-07-2009, 03:38 am

I think I understand the problem with our government.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name f the town?'' Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. Ater some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

mckee1952

08-10-2009, 03:26 am

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with
Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So
Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,

'I'll thuffocate'

mckee1952

08-11-2009, 06:59 am

INTERESTING STUFF

-------------------------------------------< /font>

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

-------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.
< font size="3" color="black" face="Arial">

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

----------- --------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age

Of eleven:

$ 16,400

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
< /div>

61,000

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

0A
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

=0 A
A. Obsession

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

------------------------------------------------------------------------

20
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

20
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in&n bsp;Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is o rdered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
=2 0

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will20try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

-------------------------------------------------------- ----------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

20
6.. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

mckee1952

08-11-2009, 08:56 am

Words to live by

This speaks for itself, sadly.

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'

- John F. Kennedy

And from today's genius Democrats..............

'It depends what your definition of 'sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'That Obama -- I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet.'
- Al Gore

'The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their A**'
- Joe Biden

' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was....uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'??????????????????(Hullo!)
- Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?

''Life's tough ........ it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -- John Wayne

mckee1952

08-12-2009, 08:32 am

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

mckee1952

08-13-2009, 04:17 am

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball.In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

mckee1952

08-13-2009, 06:22 am

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and acouple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

mckee1952

08-14-2009, 09:14 am

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers:
simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life -WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

mckee1952

08-17-2009, 07:00 am

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading - they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

GEK75

08-17-2009, 03:21 pm

A nurse, a teacher and a stewardess are being ask to define sex -

The teacher says:" Do not worry, we try it over and over again until you get it!"

The nurse says:" Lean back and relax it really does not hurt!"

The stewardess says:"Pull firmly down over mouth and nose and breath normally!"

mckee1952

08-18-2009, 09:14 am

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Dillard's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
an d I can't get up!...

Send this to
all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra

Holtzemfromfloppen

mckee1952

08-18-2009, 09:15 am

A Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint . You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait &Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud, and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

mckee1952

08-18-2009, 09:23 am

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'Nah??not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

mckee1952

08-19-2009, 09:59 am

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

...................

"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

mckee1952

08-20-2009, 10:57 am

Subject: Old golf...

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, ' Di d you guys have a good game today?'

The first old guy said, 'Yes, I had three riders today.'

The second old guy said, 'I had the most riders ever. I had five.'

The third old guy said, 'I had 7 riders, the same as last time.'

The last old man said, 'I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.'

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, 'I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?'

The pro said, 'A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.'

mckee1952

08-21-2009, 07:27 am

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

pigue

08-22-2009, 06:46 am

I don't know about anyone else, but I look forward to these every day!
Keep them coming and Thanks for taking the time to post all of these mckee1952!

Tim

mckee1952

08-24-2009, 11:43 am

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a
word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and
says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she
ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the
word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly....
'com-for-da-bul.'

mckee1952

08-25-2009, 06:55 am

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*************************************** ************************************************** *** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************************** ************************************************** *******
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall ..
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

mckee1952

08-25-2009, 09:53 am

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

mckee1952

08-26-2009, 08:52 am

A man was riding his Harley along the beach in California when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied........................................... .....

You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge

mckee1952

08-26-2009, 12:42 pm

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

mckee1952

08-27-2009, 11:34 am

Logic
>
>
>
>
> Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their
> favorite bar, drinking
> beer.
>
>
> Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm
> tired of going through life
> without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
> Community College and
> sign up for some classes.'
>
>
> Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
>
>
> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets
> Dean of Admissions,
> who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
> English, history, and
> Logic.
>
>
> 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
>
>
> The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> own a weed eater?'
>
>
> 'Yeah.'
>
>
> 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed
> eater, I think that you
> would have a yard.'
>
>
> 'That's true, I do have a yard.'
>
>
> 'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because
> you have a yard, I
> think logically that you would have a house.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I do have a house.'
>
>
> 'And because you have a house, I think that you might
> logically have a family.'
>
>
> 'Yes, I have a family.
>
>
> 'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family,
> then logically you must have a
> wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me
> you must be a heterosexual.'
>
>
> 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were
> able to find out all of that
> because I have a weed eater.'
>
>
> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the
> Dean's hand and leaves to go
> meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes,
> how he is signed up
> for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> 'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
>
>
> Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you
> have a weed eater?'
>
> 'No.'
>
> 'Then you're a queer.'

mckee1952

08-31-2009, 09:06 am

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher
in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, 'Where is
God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where
is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from
the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door
behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for
breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE
reading this next line again and
again:)

'GOD is missing, and they think
we did it.'

mckee1952

08-31-2009, 09:10 am

"BAIL EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

mckee1952

08-31-2009, 09:14 am

Subject: Health Care

"May I please speak to Weldon's wife."

"Speaking."

"Hello, this is Dr. Jones at Scripps Laboratory. When your husband's doctor
sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another man named Weldon
arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Weldon's wife asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you please do the test again?"

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.=

mckee1952

08-31-2009, 09:17 am

Two men are showering up in a locker room when one of

> them notices that his friend is extremely well endowed.

> "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

> "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

> What do you mean?" Jim asked.

> "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night

> rubbing it with butter... I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it

> grow 4 inches! You should try it."

> Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

> A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how

> his situation was.

> Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller!

> "I've lost two inches already."

> "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

> "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

> Wait for it .........

> "Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"

> MORAL:

> You gotta follow the recipe!!!

mckee1952

09-02-2009, 05:35 am

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry...What was the question?

mckee1952

09-03-2009, 08:16 am

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from
her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know
that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your big mouth
shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very
well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "GODDAMN, WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's drunk

mckee1952

09-08-2009, 10:50 am

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left
open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be
the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but they all exist very
nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.

mckee1952

09-08-2009, 10:53 am

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my

porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FREAKIN' PORRIDGE YET"

mckee1952

09-09-2009, 06:51 am

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

mckee1952

09-09-2009, 06:55 am

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say?' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's just arrived.'

mckee1952

09-10-2009, 03:33 am

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

mckee1952

09-10-2009, 08:35 am

Medical Students
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought I just had GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

mckee1952

09-10-2009, 08:53 am

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

mckee1952

09-10-2009, 08:59 am

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>
> 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
> ALL of these chickens.
> Look what it has done to me
> Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
>
>
>
> The young rooster says,
> 'Beat it: You are washed up
> And I am taking over.'
>
> The old rooster says,
> 'I tell you what, young stud.
> I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
> The young rooster laughs.
> 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
> So, just to be fair,
> I will give you a head start.'
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
> They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
>
>
> He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> When he sees the roosters running by.
>
> The Old Rooster is squawking
> And running as hard as he can.
> The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
> - BOOM -
> He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
> 'Dammit......
> Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
> Moral of this
> Story? ....
> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
> Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> Always overcome youth and arrogance!
> OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

mckee1952

09-10-2009, 09:05 am

After the president has been in office for 6 months it

is customary for the last president to send a note of

congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the

president was somewhat troubled because it was written

in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how

former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly

challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher

it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the

message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of

the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine

the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the

Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by

the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called

all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the

note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with

an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All

branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI

were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked

up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the

meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: "You're holding the note upside down!"

thisoldspouse

09-10-2009, 09:59 am

I know you hate to admit it, but you scrolled back to the top of that last one. LOL

Gregg9020

09-10-2009, 11:50 am

Not really a joke, but humorous to say the least.

An update on a local story well worth repeating.....
Hope this finds you enjoying this wonderful long weekend!

The Budweiser Story

(not a joke)

This is TRUE!

How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001...

Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield , California

After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon. On September 11th, A Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland.

He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack.

The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, 'Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there?

We'll never deliver to them again.' The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community.

Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation.

The Rest Of The Story:

It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to
pull all Pepsi products as well!!! That would include Frito Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, on June 26, 2009, Fareed Katib closed the store and filed bankruptcy!

Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!

Pass this along, America needs to know that we're all working together!

If you can read this.

Thank a teacher...

If you are reading it in English....

THANK A SOLDIER!!!

mckee1952

09-11-2009, 03:40 am

Did you know:

A. That the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"?

B. That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking *******s and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that ???

mckee1952

09-11-2009, 06:44 am

LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.2]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast..net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=5103&part=2.3]

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along.

JonBill

09-11-2009, 10:28 am

ROBOT BARTENDER

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini".

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

mckee1952

09-14-2009, 08:03 am

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night?

KandD

09-15-2009, 06:02 am

awwww..... I'm all caught up.

mckee1952

09-16-2009, 06:14 am

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and
noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him
and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it,
No other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student , shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

mckee1952

09-16-2009, 06:44 am

The stress reliever for the day.....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running

start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard'.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit', the Rottweiler ate her.

The teacher had to leave the room!!!

mckee1952

09-18-2009, 09:52 am

Poor old Tom

Bob was walking down the street and he saw his friend Tom walking towards him, Bob remembered that Tom had a real bad shuddering problem in the past and as he came up to Tom and asked how he had been, since he hadn?t seen him in couple of years or so. Tom tried to tell Bob, even though he was shuddering real badly, that he and Marylou had almost got married. Bob asked Tom why and what happened. Tom stood there for awhile and very slowly tried to tell Bob while he shuddered that, he and Marylou were setting on the porch one evening and they looked over at the dog by the steps and saw him scratching his back, and as Tom was trying to say to Marylou as he was shuddering ?wouldn?t it be nice when you can do that to me?, but by the time I got it out the dog was licking his A**.

KandD

09-22-2009, 08:04 am

An old man is sitting on his front porch on an old country road when he sees a child walking down the street with a roll of duct-tape.
The oldman hollars out:
"sonny, whatcha doin' with that duct tape?"
The young boy replys, "I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
Old Man; "That's for fixing things, not catching ducks!"
Young Boy, "JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!"
Sure enough, later on that day the old man sees the boy with the duct tape all rolled out and 3 ducks stuck to it and says, "...well I'll be."

The Next day the Old man sees the same boy with a roll of chicken wire:
"sonny, whatcha doin' with that chicken wire?"
The young boy replys, "I'm going to catch me some chickens!"
Old Man; "That's for caging chickens, not catchin' them!"
Young Boy, "JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!"
Sure enough, later on that day the old man sees the boy with the chicken wire all rolled out and 3 chickens stuck in it and says, "...well I'll be."

The third day the old man sees the same young boy walking down the street playing with a stick of some sort...
"Sonny, whatcha got there??"
young boy: "It's a pussy-willow branch"
"HOLD ON! I'll get my hat!"

mckee1952

09-29-2009, 06:25 am

Subject: Best Blond Joke Ever
>
>A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...On the way out the door,the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".

mckee1952

09-29-2009, 09:37 am

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke

at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up

and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still

have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your

league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep

their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after

saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by

a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled

Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your

house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch

has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something

from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your

card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart

because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means

getting your wife drunk.

mckee1952

09-29-2009, 09:44 am

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

*********** ***************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

******** ******************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff.."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary.. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

mckee1952

09-30-2009, 03:35 am

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She l ooked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful

daughters
but always talked about having a son..

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen..

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schw artz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's t his?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

mckee1952

09-30-2009, 06:53 am

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people
who remarked that it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

<aoladp://MA22579857-0004/file0024444.gif>

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

[http://groups.yahoo.com/group/fun_and_fun_only]

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well just ...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

mckee1952

10-01-2009, 05:50 am

You Might Be a Redneck...A Different Take

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

mckee1952

10-05-2009, 09:15 am

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where ? '

They walk among us!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning..
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north ? '
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet ? '...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

mckee1952

10-05-2009, 09:18 am

Several years ago Curtis saw an ad in the Boston Daily News Newspaper and bought a sailboat for $1000 using his credit card.

The broker agreed to deliver the boat the next day.

The next morning the broker drove up and said, "Sorry, Curtis, I have some bad news, the boat sank last night."

Curtis replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The broker said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Curtis said, "OK then, just bring me the title."

The Broker asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with just the title?"

Curtis said, "I'm gonna raffle it off."

The Broker said, "You can't raffle off a title!"

Curtis said, "I shore can! Heck, I don't hafta tell nobody it sank!"

A couple of weeks later, the Broker ran into Curtis at the Marine Supply and asked.

"What'd you ever do with that title?"

He said,"I raffled it off like I said I wuz gonna do."

Curtis said,"Mate, I sold 500 tickets for twenty dollars a piece and made a profit of $8980."

The Broker said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the Mate who won got upset. So I gave him his twenty dollars back."

Curtis now works for the US Government.

He's overseeing the Bailout Program.

mckee1952

10-06-2009, 09:29 am

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

mckee1952

10-06-2009, 09:49 am

September 30, 2009 10:45 AM Blonde In The Snowstorm

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.

The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.

mckee1952

10-08-2009, 09:26 am

Hollywood Squares:
>
> These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
>
> Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
> A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
> And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
>
> Q. Do female frogs croak?
> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.. Are you probably a man or a woman?
> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
> Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
> A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
>
> Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>
> Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
>
> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
>
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>
> Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
> A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
> A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
>
> Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
>
>
> Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
> A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>
> Q.. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
> A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>
> Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
> A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
>
> Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
> A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>
> Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
>
> Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
> A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
> A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
>
> WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
>
>
> WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING !!!

mckee1952

10-09-2009, 08:02 am

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2.. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs

mckee1952

10-12-2009, 08:50 am

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

mckee1952

10-13-2009, 03:35 am

blonde joke......

as told by the blonde....

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Trans Canada Hwy. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up.. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a Mountie pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

mckee1952

10-13-2009, 09:37 am

Subject: Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie ... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right ... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

mckee1952

10-15-2009, 06:59 am

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.

mckee1952

10-15-2009, 07:10 am

Two old guys were chatting. One said to the other:
"My 75th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing. Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

mckee1952

10-19-2009, 07:28 am

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR
JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on
being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up
to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when
asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for
1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the
'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super
Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys
line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He
went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets
up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous
at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if
I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit
room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one
subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford, 'I can
go to my left or right, I am amphibious.'

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked
by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
__________________
"Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
--W.C. Fields

mckee1952

10-19-2009, 08:12 am

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland .'

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.?

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of NikeJordan shoes.?

Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.?

mckee1952

10-19-2009, 12:50 pm

Excuses
Don?t feel like working today? Here?s a few good excuses.

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I'm calling in blind - just can't see myself working for you today...!

I'm calling in scared. I am "afraid" that I am not coming in today.

I cant come in today as I have an interview for a job I really want and cannot be bothered to lie, which shows you exactly how much I care about your stinking job anyway.

I have lost my American Express Card and I cannot leave home without it.

I am sorry I can't come to work anymore. My psychic told me this job sucks.

>>>

This is a great excuse for not coming back to work from vacation...
Don't call, don't write, don't let anyone know what's going on - take an extra week, or two.
Then when you are ready to go back to work, just call up your boss and say.... " Don't pay the ransom - I escaped! "

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 03:27 am

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
******* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today... Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 06:50 am

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 06:53 am

Subject: DEPRESSION....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.

I called the Suicide Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal. .....
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 08:30 am

A Tough Old Cowboy From South Texas Counseled His Grandson That If He Wanted To Live A Long Life, The Secret Was To Sprinkle A Pinch Of Gun Powder On His Oatmeal Every Morning. The Grandson Did This Religiously To The Age Of 103 When He Died.
He Left Behind 14 Children, 30 Grandchildren, 45 Great-grandchildren, 25 Great-great-grandchildren, And A 15-foot Hole Where The Crematorium Used To Be.

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 08:34 am

AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT?

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called ?Seniors??
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

mckee1952

10-20-2009, 12:06 pm

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the F**ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.

mckee1952

10-21-2009, 03:41 am

cop walks up to a car that's run off the side of the road into a ditch. he pulls the door open and helps the young blonde woman out. "ma'am, what happened?" he askes nervously. "I saw a tree, so I swerved to avoid it, but then I saw another. it kept happening till I hit the ditch, then the car stopped" the blonde said, sounding scarred. the officer looks up both sides of the road, then looks in the car. he imediatley notices the pine tree air freshner.
__________________
who wants to be normal?
it's no fun

mckee1952

10-21-2009, 08:26 am

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

mckee1952

10-21-2009, 09:49 am

*Obama wins Pulitzer Prize and Oscar to join his Nobel Prize *

In one of the most surreal and unusual days since the creation of the earth our President has been awarded both the Pulitzer Prize and an Oscar.

These awards will join his Nobel Prize on the mantel along with his numerous other awards including;

-Olympic gold medals for both the summer decathlon and the Winter Olympic medals in figure skating.

-MTV music award presented by Kanye West

-Grammy Award for thinking about writing a riff for a rap song

-Masters Green Jacket because everyone at Augusta National figured he would probably set a course record if he felt like it.

-Super Bowl MVP trophy because the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers assured everybody last year that Obama was chiefly responsible for their win

-Eagle Scout Award-for his efforts in encouraging "safe school czar" Kevin Jennings to take up scouting.

-Emmy Award for his innumerable television appearances

His Pulitzer Prize was awarded, stated the committee, not for any writing that he may have done, but because of the idea that he may write a book in the future and it would most assuredly be "one of the most profound works of literature since the Bible and Shakespeare."

The Oscar was for awarded for Producer, Director, Screenplay, and Best Picture for his work on home video he shot of the family at the Grand Canyon. A movie reviewed by the New York times to be a "seminal moment in cinematic history" that would "revolutionize the way we see a family exploring the inner workings of family desperately trying to save the world".

Some have said that Orson Wells may have plagiarized large portions of Citizen Kane in homage to the Obama movies of the past. While Steven Speilberg has stated that the Hussein family has inspired roles in several of his movies, most notably Hans Solo's companion and co-pilot whose name shall not be mentioned.

Still up for consideration for the Congressional Medal of Honor, Wimbledon championship trophy and of course NBA Player of the Year honours are left for later this week ...

mckee1952

10-22-2009, 06:38 am

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher,all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny..

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different...again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican,
so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was
a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan.''

mckee1952

10-22-2009, 07:45 am

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be se en in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Ctskip

10-23-2009, 05:56 am

mckee1952,
I must say, thank you. Your funnies have a way of making a dark day bright. Thanks

Keep it up,
Ctskip

mckee1952

10-23-2009, 06:44 am

In Washington, an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get us re-elected. Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Harry Reid spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same...."

mckee1952

10-23-2009, 06:48 am

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet..

So he went to the pet store

and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,

he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go

to church with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"HowB about going

to church with me

and receive blessings?"

But again,

there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided

to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time

he put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey,B in there!

Would you like to go

to church with me

and learn about God?"

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...

This time,

a little voice

came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

mckee1952

10-26-2009, 08:07 am

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was NancyPelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

mckee1952

10-26-2009, 09:36 am

Subject: How I Learned to Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
~
~
~
~
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

mckee1952

10-28-2009, 05:25 am

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'dave,' he replies...

'Dave what?' the officer asks.

'Just dave,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, dave, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born dave
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Dave Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Dave Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Dave Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just dave.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

mckee1952

10-28-2009, 12:54 pm

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant..
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expan d proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

mckee1952

10-28-2009, 01:00 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto called it a day after a long trek across the plains searching for a couple of bank robbers. After they got their tent set up, exhausted, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.?

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent!"

mckee1952

10-29-2009, 08:54 am

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Commonwealth of Virginia , the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of
Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace,
and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington DC . Wait till you
see the idiots I put there."

mckee1952

10-29-2009, 09:18 am

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember
To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7 If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical
Problem

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

mckee1952

10-30-2009, 08:43 am

Subject: Eating Chinese

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

mckee1952

10-30-2009, 08:47 am

The Advantages of living after 50!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

Or 70 creeping up on who knows what?..

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm .

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either..

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

mckee1952

10-30-2009, 08:55 am

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down inTexas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

mckee1952

10-30-2009, 09:22 am

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi just as it was going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an Opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f---ing widow."

mckee1952

11-02-2009, 09:03 am

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

mckee1952

11-02-2009, 09:07 am

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked?'

mckee1952

11-02-2009, 09:11 am

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?= "

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room.."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

mckee1952

11-06-2009, 03:32 am

Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .. .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampedingmadly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

mckee1952

11-09-2009, 08:41 am

MALE VS. FEMALE

AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car..
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles..
27. Release Parking Brake.

mckee1952

11-10-2009, 09:04 am

Subject: Fwd: Warning From Pakistan

This world is in bad shape and if we just stand by and allow something
like this to happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban
Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if
military actions against Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities
intend to cut off America 's supply of Convenience Store Managers and
possibly Motel 6 Managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab Drivers will
be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps..

It's gonna get ugly!

mckee1952

11-11-2009, 10:23 am

I am only passing this along, it wasn't me.

Mike

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something

extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket(purse- sized) tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and

forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought

better of it.

She is such a sweet cat.

But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer

in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4 inch in circumference.

Pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, 'Don't do it, Dip shit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my

eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

damage.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, the recliner was

upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was, my triceps,

right thigh and both nipples were still twitching my face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of

smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now

regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

mckee1952

11-11-2009, 10:37 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think20I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher expla ined to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test..

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

0A
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lo t of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

mckee1952

11-11-2009, 10:40 am

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas........

mckee1952

11-13-2009, 09:38 am

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
had no
lessons, nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately
springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to
slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down
the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,
she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the
ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Mike, the
Walmart greeter, sees
her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

mckee1952

11-18-2009, 08:48 am

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

mckee1952

11-18-2009, 08:54 am

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
<cid:2.2147470855@web83809.mail.sp1.yahoo.com>

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

mckee1952

11-18-2009, 09:00 am

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. **

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today...'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

mckee1952

11-20-2009, 09:40 am

Bumper stickers seen on a USMC base.

Happy 234th Birthday Marines! (10 NOV 1775 - 10 NOV 2009)

" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely,

Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper -- 'You can run, but you'll just die tired!'"

"What Do I Feel When I Shoot A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For

their Country since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -

It's our job to get him to the meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What

Would Otherwise Be Just an ugly Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -

- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher..

If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has

never really solved anything.*

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a

difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." --Ronald Reagan

SEMPER FIDELIS

Ctskip

12-02-2009, 11:27 am

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish or wherever I want.... On any land!!. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.....

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

http://f815.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f150932%5fAJHHjkQAAN8qSxal0wOockS6 vpo&pid=1.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your Badge!!... Show him your BADGE ! !"

Ctskip

12-04-2009, 07:30 am

THIS HAS GOT TO PISS SOMEBODY OFF

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very
excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'. And he points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds...
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the
ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets
another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus? The poor man can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps. By now he is totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted.. Would you like a
coffee?'
'Yes, please, my Lord.'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Keep it up,
Ctskip

Alan

12-07-2009, 11:23 am

...but your post sheds light on the kind of foolish ignorance that exists in the minds of some. Oh well, some day I'm hoping that ALL religions will be seen for what they really are.

Try thinking like John Lennon when he said ".......imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only sky." ;)

Deadhead

12-10-2009, 06:50 pm

The cops questioned Tiger's wife and asked how many times she hit him with the club. She replied "I don't know, just put me down for a 5."

Ross

12-11-2009, 03:12 pm

mckee1952

12-11-2009, 06:22 pm

The hits keep on coming.
>
>
> 1) Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
> She said "I don't know exactly... just put me down for a 5."
>
> 2) Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he
> has a hole-in-one.
>
> 3) What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive
> a ball 400 yards.
>
> 4) Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't
> decide between a wood and an iron.
>
> 5) Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
>
> 6) What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger
> Woods can drive them both into the trees.
>
> 7) What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both
> been clubbed by a Norwegian

mckee1952

12-11-2009, 06:33 pm

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-#ss rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a po-lees car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right dere in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet?

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' b*tch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my sh*t.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a b*tch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a sh*t !!!!

mckee1952

12-16-2009, 07:43 am

A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
>A man and a woman who had never met before,
>But who were both married to other people,
>Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental
>train.
>
>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
>They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
>and she in the lower.
>
>At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
>'Ma'am,
>
>I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
>to get me a second blanket?
>
>
>I'm awfully cold.'
>
>
> 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
>that we're married.'
>
>'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
>
>
>
>'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
>
>After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
>
>
>The End

mckee1952

12-21-2009, 07:57 am

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

mckee1952

12-22-2009, 04:07 am

Heart-warming Christmas story (almost)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas , and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Ross in Tampa

12-22-2009, 07:29 am

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

After a few minutes the therapist stepped away, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I sail.

caguy

12-22-2009, 01:23 pm

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions in time.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: Johnny raises his hand and says,"TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

codfather

12-29-2009, 11:34 am

A Scottish Sailor who was marrooned on a tropical Island is walking the beach one day gathering food for lunch. He looks out over the water for signs of a ship like he does everyday but sees nothing. A little later on down the beach he looks again and sees a little speck on the horizon, too small to be a ship though so he dismisses it as driftwood or flotsum. After a bit though the speck gets bigger and he hears an outboard motor. He runs to the waters edge to see a Zodiac approach the beach skippered by a beautiful woman in a wetsuit! He helps her secure the boat and she says"My god you poor man, you look like you have been here for years?" "Aye yes Lass..I've been stranded here alone for these last 8 years!" "Oh my she says, it must have been a long time then since you have had some good whiskey?" "Oh yes he sighs", and then brightens as she unzipps part of her wetsuit and produces a bottle of 30year old Scotch. "here my good man she says" as she pours him a double. He quaffs that and she pours him another. "Would you like a cigarette Sir, she smiles as she peels her wetsuit down a little more and produces a dry pack of Players?" "Oh Lassie that would be wonderful,I had but one pack that didn't last me long while I was marrooned". As he smokes it he relaxes a bit finally and she pours him another drink. With a sly little grin she starts to peel down her suit more, looks passionately into his eyes and asks him," What else haven't you done in a long time?" He starts to cry and sobs "Oh Lassie don't be teaseing an old man...don't tell me you've a set of golf clubs in there too!"